Dedicated to Freedom of Satire "We hold these jokes to be self evident that all situations are created funny"
|
|
April 26th, 2008
Inconvenient Quotes “And on the seventh day God rested. That’s when he asked me to take over.” Today’s pundit: Quipster Thank you for your feedback. Instead of ceasing publication, Political Funnies will go on a temporary hiatus while HumorMall.com is under going a major upgrade. April 19th, 2008
News Fit to Quip Remember - no one is perfect - until they write their campaign literature of course 1. Carter went to Gaza to have tea and sympathy with the terrorist group Hamas. This former president of the USA is a shining example of why it’s a wonderful thing to be a politician in this country. Because in order to speak your mind - you don’t necessarily need one. 2. There’s a lot of bitterness about Wednesday’s ABC Debate because once again Obama was shown thinking it’s more blessed to be glib than to perceive. 3. Bill Maher has been forced to apologize for calling the Pope a Nazis. The unfamiliar act has left Maher so shaken he’s started wearing a neck brace - to support his fat head. 4. There’s a rush to explain the huge stock market rise Friday. Some analysts said it shows investors feel safe enough to once again live the life of Riley. Saturday Riley reported his credit cards stolen. 5. The “Harry Potter Lexicon” copyright infringement case is now in the courts. Da judge told Rowling that everything in her novels sound like “gibberish” to him. In fact, when he finally read a page and didn’t have to ask for a translation, his kids gave him a standing ovation. April 16th, 2008
News Fit to Quip Remember - no one is perfect - until they write their campaign literature of course WELCOME TO THE NEW POLITICAL FUNNIES! 1. Obama has been having a lot of foot-in-the mouth moments lately. First he told a bunch of football players he’s the MAN to be president. That he’s so macho, has to shave with a hammer and chisel. 2. Then Obama tried to make a group of Iranian Americans feel good. He said he’s proud things have loosed up so much in Iran. They now have a League of Women Voters - run by men. 3. Finally Obama attended a meet and greet party for Women Who Lose Their Inhibitions When They Drink support group. It was a cheese and wine tasting event. 4. The secret is out. When Obama mingles with small town America he always wears his lucky t-shirt, “I’m with Stupid!” 5. Poor Hillary. She’s stumping so hard for president that at the end of the day, she can hardly keep her mouth open. 6. Bush gave a speech on Global Warming today. Told Congress to, “Put down the hookah pipe - Step out of your delusion - Put both feet on the planet Earth - NOW!” 7. Paul McCartney has been very careful not to trash his ex - Heather Mills. But rumors are flying. Supposedly Sir Paul said, “Except for the few times Heather got so mad she wouldn’t talk to me, life was one long nightmare.” 8. Paul said he didn’t have trouble with anniversary dates. He could remember when they got married. He just couldn’t remember why. 9. Heather Mills says she’s so gorgeous she’s the next thing to Katie Holmes - looks just like Tom Cruise. 10. Naomi Campbell has more troubles. Decided to lose a few pounds and took some diet pills. It worked good! For 24 hours she didn’t eat a thing. She was too busy trying to figure out how to get off her roof. April 9th, 2008
And in Hollywood - Where reality is just another thing you fake Things are not happy in Gold-Diggerville. Paul McCartney took new gal pal, Nancy Shevell, to the Caribbean to celebrate his post-Heather Mills freedom. They had fun but Heather had a fit when she found out. Sources for People newspaper said Heather, “went absolutely crazy. She was screaming, ‘I bet Paul paid for that old tart to go first-class. I can’t believe he’s wasting money on that thing when he won’t pay for his own child to go first-class’.” Paul told the raging Mills when she called to complain that Ms. Shevell can pay her own way. And don’t call him again unless it’s about Bea. Paul is rumored to have muttered that talking with Mills is like having a conversation with a schizophrenic. He only gets her divided attention. Can’t keep a good tantrum down. Super model Naomi Campbell has done it again. British Airways lost one of the diva’s bags and not only did Campbell spit at the poor cop trying to calm her down but threw him a left and a right hook too! Heathrow’s new Terminal 5 has been a total disaster since it opened last week. Hundreds of flights cancelled. Thousands of bags missing. But the spoiled Ms. Campbell Naomi is the only arrest. British Airways is considering banning Naomi for life. It’s becoming obvious that the only way to control Campbell during a flight, is to cover her seat with Crazy Glue. April 9th, 2008
Inconvenient Quotes “And on the seventh day God rested. That’s when he asked me to take over.” Today’s pundit: PJ O’Rourke US humorist & political commentator (1947 - ) “When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.” April 9th, 2008
News Fit to Quip Remember - no one is perfect - until they write their campaign literature of course China is beefing up security for their Olympic ‘peace’ games by accelerating Tibet’s “patriotic education” efforts. Tibetan Buddhist must denounce the Dalai Lama and kiss the red butt of China’s appointed Panchen Lama or ELSE… Eight died over the weekend as China helped monks “become patriotic, religion-loving and law-abiding.” Meanwhile, the International Olympic Committee is thinking about canceling the torch relay if the torch bearers continue to be greeted with the same delight they’d get - if they walked into a bank a wearing a ski mask. Alert! Botox may migrate to the brain! Scientists tested some rats’ by injecting their whiskers with botulism toxin and found it moved right on up into their wee little brain stems. Botox is Allergan big money maker and brought in $1.21 billion last year. Allergan spokeswoman Caroline Van Hove wrote, “The authors used a laboratory preparation of botulinum toxin and did not use Botox, and data suggest that different preparations of botulinum toxin react differently in both the laboratory and in clinical practice.” Glad to hear it Caroline. But remember what P.T. Barnum said, “There’s a sucker born every minute.’ It took 50 years AND the invention of the lottery to prove him right! April 9th, 2008
Report From Liliputian Land - Where it’s the ANNOYING who inherit the earth Congress feels our pain and wants to make sure we get more. First they’re gonna protect us from big oil’s obscene 6¢ profit off of every $3.61 at the pump. Of course the Fed and state governments will keep pocketing their 63¢ take. And then there’s Congress’ heroic effort to protect the environment and save the world. Like mandating ethanol. That’s sending the price of food through the roof and putting companies out of business. And what about our own natural oil reserves. No searching and no drilling so we can send a $1 billion daily to those who wish us dead. Cuba is joining the club and is taking bids to drill for oil only 45 miles off the southern coast of FLORIDA! Next thing Congress is gonna save us from is electric blankets. Seems somebody told them they’re made from sheep struck by lightening. This little piggy went to Congress and got a make-over. Last year Congress adopted strict ethic rules on pork spending. But unable to stay on a diet, they put some lipstick on that pig and poof! - “hard earmarks” which have - ha ha - STRICT disclosure rules were turned into “soft earmarks” which have none. Feeding at the earmark trough was up 30% last year so it wasn’t too surprising the attempt for a one-year moratorium on ALL pork failed last month. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi put the bill in her pocket and insists it may see the light of day some century. Guess Pelosi figures there’s no need to put Congress on an earmarks diet yet. Not until it gets to the point where politicians looking out the junket bus window - see part of themselves waving good-bye. April 9th, 2008
Sleaze-noid News With two sides to every story - Local and Network Geesh! Such a nitpicker! NewsBusters.org’s Warner Todd Huston took Reuters to task for wishful picking. Story: 71 year old had so many guns he had to sleep in a hotel. Fact: Had only 71 guns and his two story house was full of trash. Story: Pix shows a well stock personal arsenal. Fact: Well stock personal arsenal was a well stock GUN STORE! Story: Reuters reports news. Fact: If you had an infinite number of monkeys in a room with an infinite number of typewriters, you would eventually come up with a more accurate news story than Reuters. “Fitna” producer Geert Wilders is cleared of spreading hate. The Dutch Islamic Federation couldn’t convince da judge to throw the Dutch member of parliament into jail for comparing their Koran to Mein Kampf. Da judge told them that’s Wilders’ job - to have strong opinions and to express them even if provocative. For the Dutch Islamic Federation, Free Speech makes as much sense to them as wall to wall carpeting in a kennel. April 9th, 2008
The Chicken Little Report - The weather - brought to you by Bossy - and a good MOOO to you! Attention Olympians! Beijing pollution won’t kill you but don’t expect any silly records either. International Olympic Committee President Jacques Rogge said, “It might be that some will have to have a slightly reduced performance, but nothing will harm the health of the athletes. The IOC will take care of that.” How Jacques? Take chunks of air before each event and dust them off? Global Warming Profiteers Are Wrong Climate alarmists are alarmed, scaremongers scared, for their predictions of catastrophe are not coming true. “Global warming” has stopped. For 10 years, average temperatures on earth have not risen. For seven years, the trend has been downward. The fall between January 2007 and January 2008 was the biggest since records began in 1880. Rajendra Pachauri, chairman of the UN’s climate panel, says it had better find out where it got its sums wrong. Lord Lawson, a former UK Treasury Secretary, says the panel should be scrapped. Polls reveal that voters worldwide, bored with wolf-crying scientists, see “global warming” as just another pretext for more tax, regulation and empire-building. So the tiny clique of politicized scientists driving the scare are desperate to revive fear of doom. Otherwise, the multibillion-dollar climate-change industry is headed straight down the pan. skull and bones A favorite tactic is to blame any passing extreme-weather event on “global warming.” This just in: “A 5,282-square-mile ice shelf has begun to collapse because of rapid climate change in the Antarctic Peninsula. The Wilkins is one of a string of ice shelves that have collapsed in the past 30 years. Larsen B disappeared in one month in 2002. Six similar collapses underscore the region’s unprecedented warming.” Blood-curdling, but false. The Wilkins Ice Shelf, like its vanished neighbors, was not there in the medieval warm period, or in the 2,000-year-long Holocene Climate Optimum, when global temperatures were above today’s. Ted Scambos of the National Snow and Ice Data Center, who first spotted the disintegration in March, says the Wilkins has been in place for a few centuries. So it was not there before. The Antarctic Peninsula represents just 2 percent of the continent, and still less of its ice mass. The vanished ice shelves covered a combined area just 1/55 the size of Texas. Massive chunks break away from Antarctica all the time, to re-grow in colder times. Whalers’ logs going back centuries report sightings of vast icebergs hundreds of miles long. Since regular temperature records were first kept 50 years ago, most of the continent has been cooling. The Antarctic peninsula is an exception. Local undersea volcanic activity may be partly to blame. Another factor is the warming effect of the recently ended 70-year Solar Grand Maximum, when the sun was more active, and for longer, than at almost any similar period in the past 11,400 years. Long-term ocean changes have also contributed. In the Arctic, the media reported less summer sea ice than at any time since records began. Most did not report that records began only 30 years ago; that at both Poles there is more sea ice now than ever since records began; that there are five times more polar bears today than 50 years ago; that the Arctic was warmer in the 1940s than today; or that the average thickness of the vast Greenland ice sheet grew by 2 inches yearly from 1993-2003. Even the UN’s climate panel says melting ice will not raise sea level by Al Gore’s imagined 20 feet for several millennia, largely through natural causes. Excerpted from Science and Public Policy April 2nd, 2008
And in Hollywood - Where reality is just another thing you fake Not satisfied with egg on her face from her current movie bomb,“Filth and Wisdom,” Madonna now wants to remake Casablanca, casting herself in the Ingrid Bergman role. Almost fifty, Madonna looks well preserved rather than youthful and her playing the 20 something Ilsa would be the equivalent of a middle aged matron successfully redoing her “Like a Virgin” hit. Studio sources say Madonna, “wants to update the story and maybe set it in a modern war zone such as Iraq. There is no script yet. Madonna and her people are testing the waters to see if this is the right vehicle for her and if a major studio will get behind the project.” Also making the gossip rounds is why Madonna got her beautician fired. Seems when she asked the colorist to recommend something new for her hair, the fool said “Let’s match your roots. How about grey.” Paul McCartney’s ex, Heather Mills, wants all the divorce documents released so her testimony on what a rat McCartney was to her will see the light of day. Mills’ lawyer David Rosen told the Evening Standard Heather “wants to put the record straight over claims that she is a gold-digger who was only interested in the former Beatle’s £400 million fortune.” And to show she’s no gold-digger, Heather just hired another forensic accountant team to prove McCartney is worth twice the £400 million he claims and she got cheated. Mills is currently in the USA for her next gig - a judge on Donald Trump’s Miss USA pageant. On her way there she stopped over in NYC to do a bit of shopping. Picked up a neat little pair of $1,900 shoes - to help her run free. |
 Tell OFF to Your 'Representative' 
|
