Inconvenient Quotes

“And on the seventh day God rested. That’s when he asked me to take over.”

Today’s pundit: Quipster

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News Fit to Quip Remember - no one is perfect - until they write their campaign literature of course

1. Carter went to Gaza to have tea and sympathy with the terrorist group Hamas. This former president of the USA is a shining example of why it’s a wonderful thing to be a politician in this country. Because in order to speak your mind - you don’t necessarily need one.

2. There’s a lot of bitterness about Wednesday’s ABC Debate because once again Obama was shown thinking it’s more blessed to be glib than to perceive.

3. Bill Maher has been forced to apologize for calling the Pope a Nazis. The unfamiliar act has left Maher so shaken he’s started wearing a neck brace - to support his fat head.

4. There’s a rush to explain the huge stock market rise Friday. Some analysts said it shows investors feel safe enough to once again live the life of Riley. Saturday Riley reported his credit cards stolen.

5. The “Harry Potter Lexicon” copyright infringement case is now in the courts. Da judge told Rowling that everything in her novels sound like “gibberish” to him. In fact, when he finally read a page and didn’t have to ask for a translation, his kids gave him a standing ovation.

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News Fit to Quip Remember - no one is perfect - until they write their campaign literature of course

WELCOME TO THE NEW POLITICAL FUNNIES!

1. Obama has been having a lot of foot-in-the mouth moments lately. First he told a bunch of football players he’s the MAN to be president. That he’s so macho, has to shave with a hammer and chisel.

2. Then Obama tried to make a group of Iranian Americans feel good. He said he’s proud things have loosed up so much in Iran. They now have a League of Women Voters - run by men.

3. Finally Obama attended a meet and greet party for Women Who Lose Their Inhibitions When They Drink support group. It was a cheese and wine tasting event.

4. The secret is out. When Obama mingles with small town America he always wears his lucky t-shirt, “I’m with Stupid!”

5. Poor Hillary. She’s stumping so hard for president that at the end of the day, she can hardly keep her mouth open.

6. Bush gave a speech on Global Warming today. Told Congress to, “Put down the hookah pipe - Step out of your delusion - Put both feet on the planet Earth - NOW!”

7. Paul McCartney has been very careful not to trash his ex - Heather Mills. But rumors are flying. Supposedly Sir Paul said, “Except for the few times Heather got so mad she wouldn’t talk to me, life was one long nightmare.”

8. Paul said he didn’t have trouble with anniversary dates. He could remember when they got married. He just couldn’t remember why.

9. Heather Mills says she’s so gorgeous she’s the next thing to Katie Holmes - looks just like Tom Cruise.

10. Naomi Campbell has more troubles. Decided to lose a few pounds and took some diet pills. It worked good! For 24 hours she didn’t eat a thing. She was too busy trying to figure out how to get off her roof.

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News Fit to Quip Remember - no one is perfect - until they write their campaign literature of course

China is beefing up security for their Olympic ‘peace’ games by accelerating Tibet’s “patriotic education” efforts. Tibetan Buddhist must denounce the Dalai Lama and kiss the red butt of China’s appointed Panchen Lama or ELSE… Eight died over the weekend as China helped monks “become patriotic, religion-loving and law-abiding.” Meanwhile, the International Olympic Committee is thinking about canceling the torch relay if the torch bearers continue to be greeted with the same delight they’d get - if they walked into a bank a wearing a ski mask.

Alert! Botox may migrate to the brain! Scientists tested some rats’ by injecting their whiskers with botulism toxin and found it moved right on up into their wee little brain stems. Botox is Allergan big money maker and brought in $1.21 billion last year. Allergan spokeswoman Caroline Van Hove wrote, “The authors used a laboratory preparation of botulinum toxin and did not use Botox, and data suggest that different preparations of botulinum toxin react differently in both the laboratory and in clinical practice.” Glad to hear it Caroline. But remember what P.T. Barnum said, “There’s a sucker born every minute.’ It took 50 years AND the invention of the lottery to prove him right!

• Fears grow over Botox safety

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News Fit to Quip Remember - no one is perfect - until they write their campaign literature of course

A public schools Ah-ha! moment? There’s a 50-50 chance high school students from the USA’s 50 largest cities won’t graduate. Marguerite Kondracke, president of America’s Promise Alliance said, “It is not an isolated problem: This is a national crisis… This is our future security.” AT&T isn’t have much luck bringing back all 5,000 jobs outsourced to India. Chief Executive Randall Stephenson told an audience in San Antonio, TX, “We’re having trouble finding the numbers that we need with the skills that are required to do these jobs.” And his take on the public school’s failure rate? “If I had a business that half the product we turned out was defective or you couldn’t put into the marketplace, I would shut that business down.” Critics of the study say the figures are from 2003 and things better now. To prove their point they took observers to a recent S.A.T. test where they heard a monitor telling the students they had two hours to complete a test. “Which means you must stop when the big hand is on 12 and the little hand is on two.”

Of course it ain’t all the educational system’s fault. The kids themselves bring a certain je ne sais quoi into the classroom. Like the 9 third graders who were arrested yesterday for a childish but real plot to whack their teacher. Seems the teacher’s capital offense was to reprimand a kid for standing on a chair. Waycross’s Police Chief Tony Tanner said, “We did not hear anybody say they intended to kill her, but could they have accidentally killed her? Absolutely. We feel like if they weren’t interrupted, there would have been an attempt. Would they have been successful? We don’t know.” They found a broken steak knife, handcuffs, duct tape, electrical and transparent tape, ribbons and a crystal paperweight. Under Georgia law The Kiddy 9 are too young to be charged with attempted murder but could get their butts kicked out of school. The student who turned them in knew something was going down when the ring leader started wiping her finger prints off a teddy bear.

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News Fit to Quip Remember - no one is perfect - until they write their campaign literature of course

It ain’t over until it’s over. China may have cut off all outside coverage of the carnage in Tibet but it’s spilling out elsewhere. Paris-based Reporters Without Borders, played dodge with police as they disrupted the flame-lighting ceremony for the 2008 Beijing Summer Olympics. Three members of the journalism advocacy group waved their flag in the birthplace of the Olympics to protest China’s version of the ‘Peace Games.’ Meanwhile in Nepal, police arrested 475 people who chanted “China, stop killings in Tibet. U.N., we want justice.” Understand China has taken a cue from the West’s legal system to declare Tibet and those who support it legally insane.

You’ve been OUTSOURCED! Get sick, need some expensive care and you just might find yourself in a foreign country getting cut by the locals. To show us it ain’t so bad, David Boucher, assistant vice-president of health-care services of South Carolina’s Blue Cross & Blue Shield went to Bumrungrad International Hospital in Bangkok and got a colonoscopy for $640. About what it would cost in SC but cheap for a publicity stunt. The beauty of outsourcing isn’t just cost savings. Seems it’s difficult to impossible to sue for malpractice in these Asian countries. And the insurance companies can force you to go cheap by raising USA deductibles to the point, you’d have no choice. Thailand must really understand what Blue Cross & Blue Shield is up to. ‘Cause when Boucher went there to discuss the deal, officials didn’t greet him with a key to the city but a lockpick.

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News Fit to Quip Remember - no one is perfect - until they write their campaign literature of course

Legqoi, a member of China’s puppet government, the Tibetan Regional People’s Congress said “‘The rule of terror in Tibet’, as Dalai claimed, was downright nonsense.” Tell that to the Tibetan prisoners paraded through the streets of Lhasa Monday. Hands cuffed behind their backs with a Chinese soldiers at each’s neck to make sure their heads remained bowed in submission. The Red Chinese government blocked YouTube.com Sunday when foreign news reports popped up with unpleasant truths concerning the Lhasa riots. Somebody should remind the Chinese government as they host the Olympics, the games are about “building a peaceful and better world.” The problem with the Red Chinese is they want to play by their own rules. In fact, if the world was a big Monopoly Game, you’d catch ‘em building hotels on Free Parking.

When Bear Stearns became over extended ‘cause of the sinking subprime mortgage fiasco last week, they crashed and burned big time. One of the largest global investment banks, securities trading and brokerage firms in the world, last year their stock traded for $150. Now JPMorgan Chase has agreed to purchase the failing investment bank at a 93% discount from Friday’s close - a paltry $2 a share. It was a point of pride for employees to own stock in the company and currently they hold about one-third of the firm’s stock. When management called the employees together Monday to explain the buyout, the VP of Human Resources gave each a bar of soap. When asked what is it was for, he told ‘em, “You’re taking a bath.”

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News Fit to Quip Remember - no one is perfect - until they write their campaign literature of course

Have loan - will travel. Think you know who owns your mortgage? Are you SURE? There’s $2.1 trillion in mortgages out there without a paper trail. That’s ‘cause mortgages were sold and resold and resold and resold… but without the corresponding paperwork. And it’s coming back to ‘bite’ the sloppy financial institutions who now own the loan. Michael Sichenzia, COO of debt collection firm, Dynamic Consulting Enterprises in Deerfield Beach, Fla. said, “When loans are sold, the actual paper never follows. Banks have been so eager to sell loans that they play fast and loose. No one picks up that there’s a problem until ownership goes through four or five investors downstream, and they are left with the burden of tracing it back.” See judges are partial to the little things - like original paperwork. In fact, one federal judge in Ohio dismissed 14 foreclosures cases in November because the financial institutions holding the mortgages couldn’t produce the original loan papers. So, will sloppy bookkeeping become the racing stripes on subprime mortgage’s hearse?

Your teeth could be killing you - literally! Poisonous food and toxic toys ain’t the only stuff on China’s export plate. It could be your uppers, and lowers and other stuff the dentist puts in your mouth. And it’s making people sick. The National Association of Dental Laboratories is estimating 15 to 20 percent of crowns, veneers, bridges and dentures are foreign made. Bennett Napier, co-executive director of the National Association of Dental Laboratories in Tallahassee says, “The FDA regulates the raw materials used … [and] these labs have to register with the FDA and they are supposed to use FDA-approved materials. But the FDA is inspecting less than 1 percent of the restorations that are coming in from foreign dental laboratories.” Know what the opposite of safe is these days? Anything made in China.

• China: Food Poisoning Deaths Up in 2007

NEWS FLASH: Disgraced New York state governor, Eliot Spitzer resigns. The former New York state chief prosecutor, once known as the Sheriff of Wall Street, was forced out of office two days after his involvement in the Emperors Club call-girl scandal became known. Speitzer said, “I cannot allow my private failings to disrupt the people’s work.” Now he faces the daunting task of finding work as a lawyer - or going straight.

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News Fit to Quip Remember - no one is perfect - until they write their campaign literature of course

Venezuela and Ecuador are pissed. Columbia, wasn’t distracted enough by Chavez’s Hostage Release Theater and killed off a FARC terrorist leader hiding in Ecuador. Now Venezuela and Ecuador have closed their borders with Columbia and sent troops there as well. Chavez, pretending he wasn’t already funding FARC threatened to help the terrorists overthrow Columbian President and USA ally, Alvaro Uribe. And what started all this? Nukes! Columbian Gen. Oscar Naranjo told a news conference “When they mention negotiations for 50 kilos of uranium this means that the FARC are taking big steps in the world of terrorism to become a global aggressor. We’re not talking of domestic guerrilla but transnational terrorism.” Understand the situation is so close to war that even the blue bird of happiness is sporting khaki.

Speaking of war - Taiwan may not be the only place China wants to plant it’s hobnailed boots. The Pentagon’s annual report on Chinese military power says “long-term trends suggest China is building a force scoped for operations beyond Taiwan.” The report lists what China is doing with its trade dollars: speeding up its military buildup; continual hacking attacks on computer networks around the world; developing space warfare; and “wide-ranging espionage” targeting officials, businessmen and scientists. And lets not forget China’s defense strategy of pre-emptive attack or their sub building. They’re almost at numerical parity with the USA on the subs. And they now know how to sneak up on USA war ships without anybody knowing. Allan Behm, security analyst and former senior Australian Defense Department official referred to the 2006 incident when a Chinese sub shadowed the U.S. aircraft carrier Kitty Hawk. “The U.S. had no idea it was there. This is the great capability of very quiet, conventional submarines.” USA intelligence analysts keep downplaying China’s buildup saying it’s just limited to crushing Taiwan. And that China IS considering USA sentiments on things. In a nod to our cultural sensibilities for example, their missiles now contain low-cal lead.

• China developing ability knock out opponent’s satellites during war
• 3Com Merger With Red Chinese Army Stopped

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News Fit to Quip Remember - no one is perfect - until they write their campaign literature of course

You trust your doctor - but should you trust his or her drugs? The USA government is investigating another Chinese manufacturing plant for producing dangerous products. This time it’s Baxter blood thinner which killed four and made hundreds sick. Don’t take blood thinners? Well, don’t relax. Eighty percent of prescription drug ingredients are made abroad. Drugs made in the USA must meet production standards and face re-inspection if there’s problems. But GAO found that “managers of a foreign facility simply had to give their word they would fix it.” Recently the FDA reported that death and injury from prescription drugs have doubled in the last ten years from 34,966 to 89,842. The wise say that in every life - some rain must fall. But with Chinese products, it’s permanent monsoon season.

Legendary oil tycoon T. Boone Pickens estimates the USA is being plundered of its wealth by more than $1 billion a day. We’re sending out half a trillion dollars a year to buy oil, in some cases, from, “our enemies.” Just like the time the USA sold scrap steel to Japan. Everybody was real mad about it - AFTER they bombed Pearl Harbor.

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