And in Hollywood - Where reality is just another thing you fake

Things are not happy in Gold-Diggerville. Paul McCartney took new gal pal, Nancy Shevell, to the Caribbean to celebrate his post-Heather Mills freedom. They had fun but Heather had a fit when she found out. Sources for People newspaper said Heather, “went absolutely crazy. She was screaming, ‘I bet Paul paid for that old tart to go first-class. I can’t believe he’s wasting money on that thing when he won’t pay for his own child to go first-class’.” Paul told the raging Mills when she called to complain that Ms. Shevell can pay her own way. And don’t call him again unless it’s about Bea. Paul is rumored to have muttered that talking with Mills is like having a conversation with a schizophrenic. He only gets her divided attention.

Can’t keep a good tantrum down. Super model Naomi Campbell has done it again. British Airways lost one of the diva’s bags and not only did Campbell spit at the poor cop trying to calm her down but threw him a left and a right hook too! Heathrow’s new Terminal 5 has been a total disaster since it opened last week. Hundreds of flights cancelled. Thousands of bags missing. But the spoiled Ms. Campbell Naomi is the only arrest. British Airways is considering banning Naomi for life. It’s becoming obvious that the only way to control Campbell during a flight, is to cover her seat with Crazy Glue.

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Not satisfied with egg on her face from her current movie bomb,“Filth and Wisdom,” Madonna now wants to remake Casablanca, casting herself in the Ingrid Bergman role. Almost fifty, Madonna looks well preserved rather than youthful and her playing the 20 something Ilsa would be the equivalent of a middle aged matron successfully redoing her “Like a Virgin” hit. Studio sources say Madonna, “wants to update the story and maybe set it in a modern war zone such as Iraq. There is no script yet. Madonna and her people are testing the waters to see if this is the right vehicle for her and if a major studio will get behind the project.” Also making the gossip rounds is why Madonna got her beautician fired. Seems when she asked the colorist to recommend something new for her hair, the fool said “Let’s match your roots. How about grey.”

Paul McCartney’s ex, Heather Mills, wants all the divorce documents released so her testimony on what a rat McCartney was to her will see the light of day. Mills’ lawyer David Rosen told the Evening Standard Heather “wants to put the record straight over claims that she is a gold-digger who was only interested in the former Beatle’s £400 million fortune.” And to show she’s no gold-digger, Heather just hired another forensic accountant team to prove McCartney is worth twice the £400 million he claims and she got cheated. Mills is currently in the USA for her next gig - a judge on Donald Trump’s Miss USA pageant. On her way there she stopped over in NYC to do a bit of shopping. Picked up a neat little pair of $1,900 shoes - to help her run free.

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Heather Mills, the Queen of Charity and Paul McCartney’s ex, had lots of reasons to demand Justice Bennett keep the divorce decision secret. Now it’s out that the charitable Ms. Mills’ wasn’t as charitable with her “Dancing With the Stars” fee as she bragged. And the security risks for daughter Beatrice - well that was all in her head too. McCartney told da judge, “My real concern with Heather’s demands for bodyguards 24 hours a day is our daughter. Unless on tour, my older children had very little security. They all attended local state schools. It is not healthy for a child to have security 24/7. It sets them apart from their peers and makes them an object of curiosity and, at times, ridicule.” Does that go for moms too? ‘Cause there’s a ridiculous rumor going around that Mills is wailing how the neighborhood she grew up in was so poor, cat buglers stole mice.

Guess it’s Satellite TV time. Or will be if Comcast goes through with putting spy cameras in their cable equipment. Gerard Kunkel, Comcast’s senior VP of User Experience told Chris Albrecht (newteevee.com) not to worry. Comcast just wants to know who’s in the living room so they can customized the ads - that’s all. Gee, thanks Gerard but I think I’ll pass. And please don’t customize the World Series either. Next thing you know there’ll be spy cameras on each seat. That way when someone steals second base - they’ll know if they should mug the second baseman too.

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The Paul McCartney - Heather Mills divorce is settled. She didn’t get the $250 million payout she wanted. The judge said it “is and was unreasonable, indeed exorbitant.” And the judge also ignored Mills’ desire to keep the divorce ruling secret to protect her moneybag’s - er - daughter’s safety. So to get even, Mills plans to promote how she acted as her own lawyer with a do-it yourself divorce reality show called - ‘Whining for Dollars.’

A kiss is just a kiss - unless you’re smooching one of India’s favorite female superstars. Then you’re breaking India’s public obscenity laws - NOT! A judge just suspending last year’s arrest warrant on Richard Gere. Hindu activists were okay with Gere shouting ‘No condom, no sex,’ to thousands of truck drivers at an AIDS awareness event. But went ballistic when Gere bent the Bollywood star over backwards to plant a sexy kiss on her cheek. Gere apologized for what he called a manufactured controversy by the small hard-line political party, Shiv Sena. Media first reported Gere saying the Shiv Sena party was missing. But that was a mistake. What he actually said was mentally - they’re not all there.

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It’s Rock and Roll charity - NOT! The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Foundation is charging a minimum $2,500 a seat or up to $100,000 a table to watch Madonna strut her stuff into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame - founded by Rolling Stone creator Jann Wenner. The ‘charity’ Foundation’s 2006-2007 report shows assets of over $14 million but only four measly charitable donations: $475 to the T.J. Martell Foundation medical charity; $500 to City of Hope cancer research center; $167,000 to the staff of the Rock Hall Museum in Cleveland to maintain the Foundation’s archives. And $25,000 to New York’s Fund for Public Schools. Don’t wring a tear from your eye on the $25 thou, that’s just Wenner’s price of admission into NYC’s high society. Guess the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Foundation can’t be considered one of charity’s big guns - more like a slingshot.

Pays good to be the ex of Britney Spears. Kevin Federline’s lawyer, Mark Vincent Kaplan wants Spears to pay KeFed’s legal fees to the tune of $500,000. This is on top of the $1 mil she’s already paid out to his lawyer on their child-custody case. Spears’ lawyer, Stacy Phillips said the fees are excessive. And considering KeFed recently tipped $2,000 on a $365 check that, “God bless! If he’s willing to tip someone that much for serving him, he should be willing to pay his legal fees.” Understand KeFed was going to give up jogging due to stress from the case. He kept getting these horrible poundings in his head every time he ran. Turned out it was just a woodpecker.

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Don’t know which part Simon Cowell found insulting. The $2 million offer or the product they wanted him to front - Viagra. “Last year my agent rang me and said, ‘You’ve been offered an incredibly big deal. It’s to be the face of Viagra.’” I just said, ‘Sorry, but that has to be a f—ing insult.’” Wonder how he’s gonna react to that new drink named after him. Instead of a swizzle stick, it’s served with a fuse.

2008 Oscar winning French actress, Marion Cotillard, thinks the 9/11 attacks on NYC was a conspiracy. And the moon walk was a crock too. “We see other towers of the same kind being hit by planes. Are they burned? They [sic] was a tower, I believe it was in Spain, which burnt for 24 hours. It never collapsed. None of these towers collapsed. And there [in New York], in a few minutes, the whole thing collapsed. It was a money-sucker because they were finished, it seems to me, by 1973, and to re-cable all that, to bring up-to-date all the technology and everything, it was a lot more expensive, that work, than destroying them. Did a man really walk on the Moon? I saw plenty of documentaries on it, and I really wondered. And in any case I don’t believe all they tell me, that’s for sure.” But she does believe her Yoga master even if he’s a bit confused. Seems he never knows which end’s up.

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The Oscars were a ratings flop Sunday. Lowest viewership in its history and down a whopping 24% from last year. Of course if they could feature hits like 2004’s “The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King” which won best picture, it would have been a different story. It’s amazing how ‘entertainment’ draws a crowd while mean nasty message flicks keep laying those eggs. Like movie audiences around the world know, the only thing that stays with ya after watching this type of crap, is the sticky stuff on the theater floor.

And now - the biggest stink in a feature film goes to - “I Know Who Killed Me!” Winning a mind staggering eight Golden Raspberries including Worst Film of the year and its star, Lindsay Lohan, winning Worst Actress of the year - twice! Second to Lindsay is Eddie Murphy with a record breaking three Worst Acting awards - in the same YEAR! Understand these two stars are going to start an exclusive ‘Heel and Sole’ club. It’s only for those whose careers are at the bottom.

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“The Passion of the Christ” screenwriter, Benedict Fitzgerald, is suing Mel Gibson for conning him into taking a small fee for penning the blockbuster film. The lawsuit says Gibson told the writer the flick’s $30 million budget was between $4-7 mil and that the movie star wouldn’t take a dime for the project cause he didn’t want “money on the back of what he considered a personal gift to his (Roman Catholic) faith.” Gibson didn’t have any problems buying his own private island with the huge profits he got from the blockbuster. But did mind giving Fitzgerald a dime more than originally agreed to after the flick became one of the highest grossing films ever. Gibson’s people haven’t returned any calls on the lawsuit yet. But rumor is that Gibson was so hot under the collar when he heard - he set off Icon Productions office’s automatic sprinkling system.

Who woulda thought! Madonna and Paris Hilton have something in common. Bombs. Paris wins with the flick “The Hottie and the Nottie.” This stinker took in just $9,000 during its opening weekend. A magnificent take that works out to just $81 per screen and winner of The worst box office openings ever title. Madonna’s “Filth and Wisdom” left a similar smell at the Berlin Film Festival. Britain’s Guardian’s reviewer Peter Bradshaw said the flick Madonna wrote, directed and executive-produced was a “nightmare of crass and fatuous stereotypes… Madonna has been a terrible actor in many, many films and now - fiercely aspirational as ever - she has graduated to being a terrible director.” Madonna explained that she was just trying to make the viewer feel at home. And they did. If their homes are full of pests.

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Hey, the girl is a walking disaster area. But the lure of seeing Amy Winehouse crash and burn on live TV wasn’t enough to pull in an audience. Nielsen Media Research reported the 2008 Grammy Awards was the third least watched awards ever. The ballsy girl turned shy after her satellite performance and said, “It’s an honor to be here. I thank you very very very much.” They say rappers get their lyric inspirations from bathroom walls. Amy must find hers at the bottom of a coke spoon.

Speaking of ballsy girls, Dolly Parton had to postpone her North American tour due to back troubles. Famed for her - uhhh - front end, Dolly said her doctors told her to rest her back and bust for a couple of months. Dolly’s take on it. “Hey, you try wagging these puppies around a while and see if you don’t have back problems.” Ahh, the troubles you get with store bought boobs.

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Ahhhhh - a mother’s love. Anna Nicole Smith’s mom, Virgie Arthur tried to cash in on her grandson’s death in 2006, reports Page Six. Grandma was offering exclusive rights to a bout of theatrical weeping and was willing to “go to the Bahamas if you want . . . She would like to visit the grave, and it would make pretty emotive pix of her doing so.” An inside source, the mysterious Author said, she “started hustling right after her grandson died . . . She started hawking exclusive access to her own memorial in Mexia for Daniel . . . She’s hunting media deals within days of her grandson’s demise, while accusing [Anna Nicole’s lawyer-turned-lover Howard K.] Stern of mopping up the money.” Mopping up money, definitely a criminal deed on anyone’s part except dear old Grandma. Heard Virgie even started wearing a bumper sticker on her rear saying, ‘Will sniffle for cash.”

Models wanted - extra crispy. Seems some models are out of work while their faces return to their normal color. Burnt by faulty studio lighting, the pixs they were posing for came out great but the models didn’t. And the one who got singed the worse? The designer, Marc Bouwer, who was supervising the shoot the entire day. Hey boys and girls, cheer up! What’s a good disaster for - if not a better lawsuit.

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