Sleaze-noid News With two sides to every story - Local and Network

Rumsfeld took a smell test of today’s media and said it stinks of appeasement. Rumsfeld quoted Winston Churchill who in pre-WWII England was in a similar position. Churchill watched Fascism and Nazism takeover Europe while anyone who sounded the alarm was ridiculed or ignored. ‘Ol Winston quipped that it was “a bit like feeding a crocodile, hoping it would eat you last.”

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Inconvenient Quotes

“And on the seventh day God rested. That’s when he asked me to take over.”

Today’s pundit: Napoleon Bonaparte:

“Four hostile newspapers are more to be feared than a thousand rapiers.”

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News Fit to Quip Remember - no one is perfect - until they write their campaign literature of course

Oh, NO! The USA is guilty of cartoon torture! Seems the US Marines last year made Saddam Hussein watch a South Park movie that had a ‘toony Saddam cuddling up to Satan as the duo tried to take over the world. Kofi Annan, a bit of a cartoon character himself, vowed to rid the world of similar atrocities and an UN Committee to Ban Cartoon Torture staged a sit-in but after an hour the NYC police broke it up and asked Annan to move along.

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Report From Liliputian Land - Where it’s the ANNOYING who inherit the earth

Winning August’s Report From Liliputian Land of the month award goes to - the UN! That’s right folks, UNIFIL (United Nations Interim Force in Lebanon) official web site kept Hezbollah happy by posting real-time Israeli troop movements while only vaguely referring to Hezbollah’s rockets red glare.

Honorable mention goes to UN Secretary General Kofi Annan and his crack that “We need to deal with the lifting of the embargo — sea, land and air — which for the Lebanese is a humiliation.” Not to mention making poor little Hezbollah wait longer for their ammo deliveries.

You know, the designers of the UN were brilliant. They created Kofi Annan’s job title ‘UN Secretary General’ when they looked ahead and saw the end to the position of village idiot.

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And in Hollywood - Where reality is just another thing you fake

Reality isn’t just a figment of one’s imagination in Hollywood (Washington, DC or capital of your choice). It seems the Glasgow City Council has trouble with it too. Or maybe they’re just suffering from a bad case of hypocrisy.

Keith Richards, the Rolling Stone guitarist, was caught in the act of smoking on stage. Vowing to rid the earth of the evils of second hand smoke, Glasgow enacted laws that are a bit quirkily enforced. Richard’s puffing on stage was declared a ‘non-enclosed public place.’ But the stage that actor Mel Smith was on impersonating cigar chomping Winston Churchill was not and Smith could not perform.

But people shouldn’t be too surprise. I heard that when you call Scotland’s dial-a-joke service you get the Glasgow City Council.

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The Chicken Little Report - The weather - brought to you by Bossy - and a good MOOO to you!

It’s raining, it’s pouring - acid rain - in 1/3 of China making the huge country the world’s top emitter of sulphur dioxide. In fact Hong Kong’s chronic air pollution is so bad that businesses are leaving the territory for health reasons while other businesses are refusing to invest there. But it’s not Hong Kong who’s at fault. It’s coming from next door, Guangdong, China’s manufacturing heartland.

In fact the air is getting so thick in China that when pilots waiting to land are put on hold, they just turn off their engines.

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And in Hollywood - Where reality is just another thing you fake

A walking advertisement for why becoming a punchline is a BAD career decision, Tom Cruise and Paramount have parted company. It seems Paramount wanted to cut Cruise’s pay by 80%, from $10 million to $2 million a year ‘cause the dude is - well - weird.

I don’t know how Cruise feels about being the butt of so many jokes but considerations like that never stop a comedy writer. Here are a few of the Cruise jokes published in HumorMall.com:

• Tom Cruise is going to marry Katie Holmes and Tom’s pals have already bought him a wedding present - a diaphragm for his inflatable doll.
• Tom Cruise losing his popularity? Well, let’s put it this way, who else gets Dear John chain letters?
• The reason why Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are together is that she knows how to sweet talk him (PAUSE) “Yes, Master…”
• Tom Cruise’s War of the Worlds publicity tour has caught the notice of the Earthshoes company and they want him to be the spokes person for their new product - Earth Hats: Made for people who don’t know which way’s up.
• Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman never got along. I think it was because of a personality conflict — SHE has one.
• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have a unique way of making sure the nanny is watching their baby. They tape Suri to the front of the TV.

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Inconvenient Quotes

“And on the seventh day God rested. That’s when he asked me to take over.”

Today’s pundit: Dean Acheson - (April 11, 1893 – October 12, 1971) United States Secretary of State under President Harry S. Truman:

No people in history have ever survived who thought they could protect their freedom by making themselves inoffensive to their enemies.

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News Fit to Quip Remember - no one is perfect - until they write their campaign literature of course

There are calls for a government probe into the conduct of the Israel/Lebanon “war.” Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert and members of his administration are facing a slew of allegations, police probes and indictments. And the general who conducted the war is accused of an insider trading stock sell-off just before war started. Little wonder the people of Israel are not happy campers.

But some have a better attitude and think the political situation in Israel will make a great reality show. They’re going to call it “Life Styles of the Weak and Shifty.”

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Report From Liliputian Land - Where it’s the ANNOYING who inherit the earth

After giving the impression that they would put their soldiers where their mouth is and make the Lebanese cease-fire happen, France hiccuped and will send only a few hundred engineers to work on rebuilding explosive Lebanon but disarm nobody.

Now the rest of the world wants to know President Chirac, have you considered changing your mind - for one with a larger capacity?

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