And in Hollywood - Where reality is just another thing you fake

Yoko Ono wants the anniversary of John Lennon’s death to become a day of worldwide healing. She remembers how on the day John died, they spent it listening to the patter of little feet - cockroaches.

ON THE SPORTS PAGE:

In a Playboy interview, Tony La Russa defended Hall of Fame hopeful Mark McGwire. But when McGwire was asked if he’d seen it, he said “if it don’t fold out, I don’t see it.”

That’s the last time I go to see the Falcons play. Not only did Michael Vick flip-off the fans, but the only blocking I saw all day was in the line to the restroom.

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Inconvenient Quotes

“And on the seventh day God rested. That’s when he asked me to take over.”

Today’s pundit: Edward R. Murrow:

Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn’t mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar.

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News Fit to Quip Remember - no one is perfect - until they write their campaign literature of course

The Pope is in Turkey this week trying to give Muslims answers he hopes makes them forget their questions.

While Pope Benedict XVI was in Turkey, he urged all religions not to use violence in the name of faith. Faith should be in your heart, in places of worship and most especially - in people who attempt to make all their calls from cell phones.

At the NATO summit yesterday, Bush said he realized that Iraq is dangerous and violent. He knows because when he was watching Iraqi TV - the test pattern was a skull and cross-bones!

Bush also said that those who don’t think we have anything to fear from pulling out of Iraq also think that a really neat place to have a picnic is in the middle of the L.A. Freeway.

President Bush was a little nervous about a famous old restaurant the Jordanians took him to last night. Seems it’s celebrated for having catered the Last Supper.

Of course immediately after the dinner, the New York Times reported that when asked how he rated the food - Bush gave it four flies.

Then later over coffee, Bush spoke to all our true allies - both of them.

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Report From Liliputian Land - Where it’s the ANNOYING who inherit the earth

Michael Richards is really sorry about using racist language in his act. Jimmy Carter has condemned him, Jesse Jackson is counseling him and the KKK is suing him for plagiarism.

Here’s some Heckler Stoppers Michael Richards SHOULD have used:

• They’ve got a minds of their own, huh folks. So much for small possessions.
• Sir, could you hold off for a little bit? I have a space reserved at the end of my act for rude interruptions.
• Look guys, there seems to be a misunderstanding here. I’m not General Custer and YOU’RE not the Indians.
• If you’ll just wait awhile, we’ll have something you CAN participate in - your arrest!

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Sleaze-noid News With two sides to every story - Local and Network

The New York Times has published ANOTHER USA War on Terror secret. This leak undermines President Bush’s trip to Jordan and his meeting with the Iraqi Prime Minister. I think I’ve got the New York Times figured out now. They’re for truth, honor or whatever sells newspapers.

Home Land Security has said that it wants to work WITH the media. So from now on all stake-outs will be announced beforehand in the New York Times.

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The Chicken Little Report - The weather - brought to you by Bossy - and a good MOOO to you!

US Supreme Court is now in the Global Warming fight. Opponents warn that if the Global Warmest win, our future utility bills will be for gas, water and candles.

Meanwhile in reality-ville, the northwest is waiting for the next snowstorm while trying to recover from the last snowstorm.

Heard that in one location the traffic was being directed by the Abominable Snowman.

And cold? The fire in my fireplace froze!,

Near and dear to the liberal cause of micro managing your life, Global Warming is THE dream machine.

Sixty Canadian scientists sent an open letter to Prime Minister Stephen Harper on 4/6/06. “When the public comes to understand that there is no “consensus” among climate scientists about the relative importance of the various causes of global climate change, the government will be in a far better position to develop plans that reflect reality and so benefit both the environment and the economy.”

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And in Hollywood - Where reality is just another thing you fake

The world is going to miss Robert Altman. He was the director who like to improvise - you know, let the actors make it up as they went along. Well, rumor has it his next flick was going to be really different - it was going to make sense!

Kevin Federline’s lawyer says there’s no sex tape and all this talk of it started because of Spears’ mother. Seems she’s a CIA agent - Constantly Instigating Arguments.

Clay Aiken was so annoyed last week by co-host Kelly Ripa’s constant interruptions that he put his hand over her mouth. Well, that started it.

First Kelly said Aiken’s recording contract was being recalled because something was missing - talent.

Which prompt Aiken to spill the beans about Ripa’s parakeet. Seems it had become so frustrated trying to get a word in edgewise, it committed suicide.

That got Rosie O’Donnell involved somehow. She said Kelly was so homophobic that at a recent celebrity marriage of two transsexual, Ripa threw converted rice.

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Inconvenient Quotes

“And on the seventh day God rested. That’s when he asked me to take over.”

Today’s pundit: Covert Bailey:

No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office.

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News Fit to Quip Remember - no one is perfect - until they write their campaign literature of course

After a close encounter of a dangerous kind between U.S. warships and a Chinese submarine last month, the chief of U.S. forces in the Pacific said he’s not sweating it. But did admit to assigning a few sailors just to wring out his undershirts.

This week has what’s known as Black Friday - that’s when stores offer their PAY FOREVER finance plans.

The U.N. is still split over Iran. Maybe they need to consider how much it’s going to cost when Iran gets the nuclear bomb - and oil consuming nations are forced to construct really long straws.

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Report From Liliputian Land - Where it’s the ANNOYING who inherit the earth

News is not good in Beirut Lebanon after an anti-Syrian politician was assassinated this week. In fact when I lined my parakeet’s cage with the newspaper article, he gave me a raspberry.

Iraq, Afghanistan, Lebanon… Seems like the only place people take peace on earth seriously these days is at Hallmark Cards.

Six Muslim imams were removed from a commercial airline flight for suspicious behavior and boy are they mad! But the airline said they had no choice. It was either that or wait for the flight to become “Exhibit A.”

Some Muslim want to bring back the good old days when leaders were personable and had first names - like “Yes Master.”

Jihadist - Islam’s cure for life.

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