And in Hollywood - Where reality is just another thing you fake

Pushing his 15 minutes of fame to 25 - Sanjaya made it to the front page of The Indian Express with a - “Thank God! He’s finally off Idol!” headline. Now big biz is talking about having Sanjaya front a new product he helped inspire - Hair Helper.

Alec Baldwin doesn’t seem to have much use for his 11 year old rude, thoughtless little pig - er I mean daughter right now. But when a certain stage of maturity is finally reached, they’ll get along just fine - that is, if his daughter doesn’t reach adulthood first.

Alec Baldwin claims all his problems are Kim Basinger’s fault. Every time he tried to blow in her ear, he got frostbite.

While Kim Basinger says you gotta excuse poor Alec. He was talking under an assumed intelligence.

Just as it got difficult to quote Rosie O’Donnell without getting an “X” rating, the little lady has decided to leave her soapbox on “The View.” Seems ABC wanted to warn the viewing public about her mouth. But contract negotiations fell apart when Rosie refused to wear a Caution! Toxic Load bumper sticker over it.

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Inconvenient Quotes

“And on the seventh day God rested. That’s when he asked me to take over.”

Today’s pundit: Samuel Goldwyn (Producer and Founder of the Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer (MGM) 1882-1974)

“If Roosevelt were alive today - he’d turn over in his grave.”

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News Fit to Quip Remember - no one is perfect - until they write their campaign literature of course

All top National Border Patrol Council members say NO-CONFIDENCE BRO to Chief David V. Aguilar. Seems they take issue with him cheerleading efforts to put Border Patrol Agents in jail if they do the unspeakable - like try to apprehend illegal aliens on the border. Aguilar thinks Border Agents should only be armed with a viscous ‘boo’ which will frighten the desperadoes so bad - their guns will fall right out of their hands!

You’ll be glad to know that the New Secretary of Health was in San Francisco making sure the citizenry is well-taken care of. That’s THE MEXICAN Secretary of Health, Jose Angel Cordova Villalobos, scrutinizing the care of Mexican citizens in THIS COUNTRY. The USA’s relationship with Mexico is very much like divorcees. We pay child support regularly and every month their politicians send us a poison pen receipt.

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Report From Liliputian Land - Where it’s the ANNOYING who inherit the earth

Presidential candidate John Edwards says he’s “Tested in South” - well, yeah, they’re used to slavery.

Hillary’s upping the ante. She’s dangling Bill Clinton as bait for 2008. See if you elect HER as president you get Bill as Ambassador at Large to fix our image abroad. And one thing you can say about Bill - he’s good with broads.

Pelosi vowed to make this congress the most ethical in history - but evidently only on the GOP side of the aisle. Seems the Congressional Research Service department the GOP created 12 years ago to scream sooo-eee every time it spotted a pork laden bill is Gone With The Wind-ee Dems majority. I guess it’s just the Dems’ Rand-McNally method of telling the American people to GET LOST!

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Sleaze-noid News With two sides to every story - Local and Network

“50% Good News Is the Bad News in Russian Radio” says a New York Times’ headline about the Russian government’s take over of the country’s largest independent radio news network. Ex-KGB Putin has ordered that even if the reporters gotta make it up, 50% of the news had better be GOOD - if you know what’s good for YOU. And the United States? Well, we’re to be portrayed as the enemy 100% of the time of course. I say, SO WHAT! We can take it! After all, the USA media has been doing that for YEARS and YEARS and YEARS!

Sen. Harry Reid says: ‘This War Is Lost.’ It’s been a whole 15 minutes already and the U.S. troop surge has accomplished nada. Well, it has accomplished one thing. The biggest seller at all the bazaars now is a T-shirt that says: “Iran bought off Harry Reid and all I got was this lousy T-shirt!”

I guess, the old nursery rhyme, ‘Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me’ was never recited to the boy Obama. It’s the only thing that could explain his weird analysis of violence. On the VA Tech massacre “Maybe nothing could have been done to prevent it.” But on nasty white boys’ cracks, the “verbal violence” of Imus - let’s do something about that! Me thinks he should try to look a little closer to home. You know - like the ‘hood’. Where success is when your valet holds the gun.

Washington DC, U.S. District Judge Paul L. Friedman says Reagan’s shooter, John W. Hinckley Jr. is healthy, can leave the mental hospital and rejoin society. In fact he’s so sure Hinckley’s cured, the judge gave him directions to Bush’s Texas ranch.

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The Chicken Little Report - The weather - brought to you by Bossy - and a good MOOO to you!

Global Warmest Sheryl Crow says the way to save the world is just one toilet square away. “Although my ideas are in the earliest stages of development, they are, in my mind, worth investigating. I propose a limitation be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting.” Thanks for that germ of a thought Sheryl. But it’s as useful as a 25 cents off coupon for a Mercedes Benz.

Ooops! My bad. (This is Quipster Speak for CORRECTION) This past February I said Greenland was experiencing extremely thick ice packs and low temperatures. It was Iceland. Just a hop, skip and a jump down the globe from Greenland. Greenland is still melting, melting, melting and a dollop of land off its coast (400 miles north of the Arctic Circle) had its ice bridge melt. “A development that is being seen as the most alarming sign of global warming.” I got one better. How about the fact that this is the location of the recently discovered (2001) Gakkel Ridge which has high volcanic activity and contains multiple hydrothermal vents.

Behavior of Arctic Ocean Ridge Confounds Predictions; May Lead to New Insights into Crust Formation (June 25, 2003) Excerpt

The Gakkel extends 1770 kilometers (1100 miles) from north of Greenland to Siberia. It is the deepest and most remote portion of the global mid-ocean ridge system. Because the spreading rate decreases progressively towards Siberia, “we expected that the amount of melting and magma production would decrease as we worked our way from Greenland towards the east,” said Peter Michael, the AMORE chief scientist from the University of Tulsa.

Instead, the very first sampling station brought up fresh volcanic rock, and the new map published in Nature shows large young volcanoes dominating the part of the ridge nearest Greenland.

A cup of Inconvenient Reality anyone?

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And in Hollywood - Where reality is just another thing you fake

Paris Hilton has to face da judge again on May 4th to see if she’s gonna receive a Get Out of Jail Free card or 90 days cleaning toilets for violating probation on her reckless driving conviction. Her lawyers want to make a plea deal and say the heiress promises that from now on, she’ll only clock 60 miles an hour per ticket. Honest!

Penelope Cruz wants to be just like Angelina Jolie and have a mix of natural and adopted kids of all flavor and hues. Trouble with Angelina Jolie’s tot toys is she doesn’t like her natural child. Told U.K. Elle that, “I think I feel so much more for (them) because they’re survivors, they came through so much.” Her natural child is, well, too privileged to care about. Hey, Jolie, being unloved makes you the poorest of the poor not privileged. Oh well, that’s America for ya, the land of the free and the delusional.

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Inconvenient Quotes

“And on the seventh day God rested. That’s when he asked me to take over.”

Today’s pundit: Ambrose Bierce (American Writer, Journalist and Editor, 1842-1914)

Before undergoing a surgical operation arrange your temporal affairs. You may live.

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News Fit to Quip Remember - no one is perfect - until they write their campaign literature of course

Divide and Conquer is not just Nancy Pelosi’s and the anti-war Dems modus operandi. Seems radical Iraqi Shiite Muslim cleric Muqtada al-Sadr is skilled in it too. He’s got thousands of his guys in Iran learning advanced guerrilla warfare tactics. While back home on the ranch, he’s ordered his political lackeys out of Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki’s cabinet. The sweet boy and his American allies just wants to destabilize the country so they can achieve a solid defeat out of a strategical victory. (Hint - Iran is now surround by the USA but for how long Nancy?) You know the worse advice these two ever received? Be yourself.

Speaking of Iran. Lt. Gen. Raymond Odierno, America’s No. 2 commander in Iraq, says Iran is playing both sides against the middle. “We’re working now to determine whether they are in fact not only providing support to Shiite groups, but also Sunni insurgent groups.” Meanwhile Palestinian security officials and terror leaders are claiming that Iran is funding them so they can carry out large-scale terror operations if Iran is attacked. Gee Nancy, I guess you and the Dems’ got DEAD down to a T - now when we go BOOM - can you guarantee we can rise from it?

Iran isn’t the only one in the Middle East angling for nuclear BOOM machinery. Saudi Arabia, Turkey, Egypt and nearly a dozen other states REALLY REALLY want the International Atomic Energy Agency in Vienna help them start their own nuclear programs as they wearily eyeball Iran and its nuclear ambitions. “We want no bombs. All we want is a whole Middle East that is free from weapons of mass destruction.” Or so says Saudi foreign minister Prince Saud al-Faisal. This doesn’t phase Iran at all ‘cause they think the rest of Middle East upper crust - are just crumbs sticking together.

Brit politician Hilary Benn, says the government will stop using the phrase “War on Terror” ‘cause it’s empowering the jihadist thugs. See, if the UK stops talking about the terrorist, they’ll just disappear. Sorta like what happened in Europe during the 20th century. Remember all those dictators they ignored until it was too late? It appears Europe’s devotion to freedom is very much like fool’s gold. Looks like the real thing until you put it to the test.

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Report From Liliputian Land - Where it’s the ANNOYING who inherit the earth

Take a vitamin C tab and go to JAIL? Seems the little tikes at the FDA are at it again. Not only are they reinterpreting the NAFTA treaty to restrict our access to herbs and vitamins but now they want to classify their use as practicing medicine without a license. Well, considering the practice of medicine WITH a license is the leading cause of death in this country, it’s getting harder to choose which is worse - our diseases or their cures.

If you want to save vitamins, minerals, herbs and alternative medicine, you’ve got until 5/29/07 to speak your mind to the FDA. Go here.

1. New Zealand Coroners Investigation: Natural Medicines Safest Way To Health
2. Death by Medicine:
3. The JOURNAL of the AMERICAN MEDICAL ASSOCIATION (JAMA) reports:
4. Doctors Kill More People Per Year Than Guns:

Now the FDA and USDA want to mess with the chocolate bunny. For it to be considered chocolate, the item must contain cocoa butter. But the folks who brought you cloned meat and other unnatural horrors want that little necessity removed and allow food color with grease be ID as chocolate. One thing you can say about these chocolate bandits, they ARE solid - from the neck up.

SAVE THE BUNNY! Comments accepted by FDA until 4/25/07

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