And in Hollywood - Where reality is just another thing you fake

I guess you can’t keep a good drunk down. Nabbed for the second time in two months for driving under the influence, Lindsay Lohan, former child star and future jailbird got caught driving drunk while chasing the mother of her ex-personal assistant. Lindsay upped the anti this arrest though with felony charges for cocain possession and transport of a narcotic. Her ‘what a good girl am I’ appearance on Tuesday’s “The Tonight Show” got canceled and Lindsay’s now under medical care. The docs are in a quandary though. They can’t figure out whether to diagnosis her with ‘chip on shoulder’ - or just ‘log between ears.’

Michael Vick has been ordered by the commis, Roger Goodell, to stay away from the Atlanta Falcons’ training camp until they figure out what’s what with the quarterback’s dogfighting charges and animal cruelty allegations. PETA wants his head on a stick for the vicious ways losing dogs were snuffed. But Vick’s rep said it’s all a lie. Vick’s a teddy bear. In fact, Mike’s such an animal lover, he once gave a parrot mouth to beak resuscitation.

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Inconvenient Quotes

“And on the seventh day God rested. That’s when he asked me to take over.”

Today’s pundit: Will Rogers (American entertainer, 1879-1935)

“I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.”

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News Fit to Quip Remember - no one is perfect - until they write their campaign literature of course

My Face or Yours? The founder of Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg, is being sued by Harvard classmates for copyright infringement, stealing trade secrets, fraud and breach of contract. Seems Cameron Winklevoss, twin brother Tyler and Divya Narendra hired Zuckerberg to develop and write code for ConnectU, Facebook’s identical twin. But instead they say Zuckerberg stalled their social network’s development so he could set up Facebook six months ahead of their baby. ConnectU founders want the federal judge to give them Facebook, its assets and damages. They say Zuckerberg is so crooked, if he were in solitary confinement he’d pick his own pocket.

Say it ain’t so Donaghy! Looking to be the first in-game official to be charged with fixing professional sports games, NBA ref Tim Donaghy is expected to give himself up to the FBI this week. The FEDs claims that for the last two years, little Timmy got his fingers caught up in gambling and the mob while his lawyers say he’s considering a plea agreement. But WAIT Donaghy. Remember, a good defense is a good offense. And one thing you’re obviously good at Tim - being offensive.

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Report From Liliputian Land - Where it’s the ANNOYING who inherit the earth

Cover Girl John Edwards evidently is the ‘The Sexiest Woman Alive’ if you believe in subliminal messages. ‘Cause that’s the headline hanging over Edwards’ well coifed head on the cover of Esquire’s August issue. Rush Limbaugh has called him a “Breck Girl” while the New York Sun’s March 8th issue asks if Edwards will be the “first woman president .” I don’t know why they say that when everything that comes out of Edwards’ mouth is ‘bull.’

Run Cindy, Run! Someone who will never be mistaken for the ‘The Sexiest Woman Alive,’ Cindy Sheehan has announced she’s gonna take Nancy Pelosi’s House seat away from her and once elected, Cindy will make sure Bush is finally impeached. Then the New-Age peace activist will seek to accomplish even more challenging tasks - like converting killer bees to pacifism.

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Sleaze-noid News With two sides to every story - Local and Network

Diane Sawyer: “You know, I wanted to sit on a jury once and I was taken off the jury. And the judge said to me, ‘Can, you know, can you tell the truth and be fair?’ And I said, ‘That’s what journalists do.’ And everybody in the courtroom laughed. It was the most hurtful moment I think I’ve ever had.” How sad Diane. Heard that early in your career you were crazy to just report the facts . Obviously - you recovered.

Brit Hume recently reported on FNC that the public sees a liberal bias over a conservative bias on ABC, CBS, CNN, NBC, NPR, the New York Times and Washington Post. “American adults believe that the three major broadcast networks deliver news with a bias in favor of liberals.” So what’s new Brit? Every writer knows that with the old media and Hollywood, opposing views need not apply.

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The Chicken Little Report - The weather - brought to you by Bossy - and a good MOOO to you!

Across the pond is a very big puddle where England used to be. The flooding this week has caused power outages, drownings and water safety problems. However, the new Prime Minister Gordon Brown is taking the disaster head on by embracing the problem. He’s declared the UK has a new national bird - the Flying Fish.

Thousand of new volcanoes revealed beneath the waves

The true extent to which the ocean bed is dotted with volcanoes has been revealed by researchers who have counted 201,055 underwater cones. This is over 10 times more than have been found before.

The team estimates that in total there could be about 3 million submarine volcanoes, 39,000 of which rise more than 1000 metres over the sea bed…

Satellites can detect volcanoes that are more than 1500 m high because the mass of the submerged mountains causes gravity to pull the water in around them. This creates domes on the ocean’s surface that can be several metres high and can be detected from space.

But there is a multitude of small volcanoes that have gone undetected. The only way of identifying them is to manually find their outline on sonar measurements taken from ships.

Since the late 1960s, research vessels have been criss-crossing the oceans using sonar instruments to measure the depth of the ocean floor. They have generated 40 million kilometres of linear profiles showing the topography of the ocean bed between 60̊ North – the latitude of southern Alaska – and 60̊ South – corresponding to the tip of Patagonia.

But until now, no one had been able to sift through them all. So, Hillier and a colleague designed a computer programme that was able to analyse the huge amount of data and identify volcano-like shapes in the sonar lines…

The programme found 201,055 volcanoes over 100m tall. Previously, satellite data had identified 14,164 volcanoes over 1500 m high.

Hillier then extrapolated the data to estimate how many volcanoes exist beyond the areas the research vessels sounded out. He estimates there are about 39,000 volcanoes that are higher than 1000 m, leaving nearly 25,000 yet to be directly discovered…

Excerpted from NewScientist.com news service
July 9, 2007
By Catherine Brahic

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And in Hollywood - Where reality is just another thing you fake

Divadom high priestess Barbra Streisand’s European tour is being billed as the “most expensive concert tour of all time.” There are to be five fabric-upholstered furniture suites, 60 tables and 120 bath-sized towels awaiting her divaship and drones backstage at each venue. The security-serfs were commanded to be immaculate in their ‘dark jackets, blazers or sweaters with no T-shirts.’ After all, traveling in a private jet luging 3 tractor-trailer trucks worth of junk makes a diva tired and Babs needs a calming atmosphere backstage. Police dogs are ordered to case the joint for disgruntled serf bombs, and all the ‘little people’ must pass through metal detectors. Ah, come on Babs. Like the serfs who obey your commandment ‘THOU SHALT USE CLOTHESLINES FOR THY LAUNDRY! CONSERVE CONSERVE CONSERVE!’ would even think of doing such a thing! However, there WAS a jihadist plot against Babs and it really scared her. The villains planned to lob something deadly but appropriate during her show - stale bagels!

Rosie O’Donnell is still looking for a new gig. Seems she was passed over for ‘The Price is Right’ hosting job not because, as she said, it would mean uprooting her family to LA. But because she wanted Bob’s Beauties replaced by Rosie’s Studs, a gay chorus line throwing confetti along with musical bumpers and a new set. CBS declined her creative remake. Then when Trump’s new ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ was announced, Trump invited Rosie to join the first cast. This time it was Rosie who snubbed the offer. Now that the little lady is out of work again maybe she should try some other types of short term employment - as a gay critic in Iran or a fruit fly.

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Inconvenient Quotes

“And on the seventh day God rested. That’s when he asked me to take over.”

Today’s pundit: Vladimir Lenin (Founder of the Russian Communist Party and leader of the1917 Russian Revolution, 1870-1924)

It is true that liberty is precious - so precious that it must be rationed.

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News Fit to Quip Remember - no one is perfect - until they write their campaign literature of course

‘Want lies with that?‘ Hollywood style movie posters are flooding the internet showing jihadists winning in Iraq and the USA being buried - literally. Although they appear on Islamic web sites, the fake movie posters are in English in an attempt to demoralize the West. Problem with the jihadist is they want to control the world in the worst way. And as worse goes, they’re very successful!

Hamas controlled Palestine has a new costume character replacing the “martyred” Mickey Mouse clone, Farfur. Remember Farfur, the rodent beaten to death by nasty Jews on the Hamas kiddie TV show “Tomorrow’s Pioneers.” Well, the kiddies are all excited to see their new star, Jihad Bee. Will he continue Farfur’s quest and ‘take revenge upon the enemies of Allah, the murderers of the prophets.” Will he show the kiddies how to strap on their baby bomber’s suicide belts and take to “the path of the jihad warriors?” Will the kiddies pray five times a day until the “world leadership (is) under Islamic leadership?” Stay tune folks and lets all watch the next generation of Hamas terrorists put their cubby fingers on the pulse of Hell.

Former military aide to President Clinton, Lt. Col. Robert “Buzz” Patterson (U.S. Air Force-Ret.), is awarding two anti-war groups “United for Peace & Justice” and “CODEPINK: Women for Peace” the Benedict Arnold prize for aiding and abetting the enemy. Seems they gave more than good wishes to terrorists. With the help of Henry Waxman (D-CA), they gave money too, $600,000 in cash and supplies disguised as humanitarian aid for civilians in the Iraqi province of Al Anbar. “Here is an American Congressman …. Here are American citizens who belong to these organizations. They travel to Iraq and they are materially supporting (them), they are aiding and abetting the enemy that is killing American Marines. If that’s not treason, nothing is. When the Iraq war first started, CODEPINK and Medea Benjamin went to Baghdad and opened an office designed to try to encourage American soldiers to desert, go AWOL, and not fight the war. Again, that’s aiding and abetting the enemy.” So what exactly is the anti-war groups’ strategy anyway. Are we to run now - and run forever? Or maybe we’re supposed to just humbly accept the Noble Rule of the Vicious Few.

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Report From Liliputian Land - Where it’s the ANNOYING who inherit the earth

Awwww - Summer camp for Senators. They had their cots, s’mores, spooky ghost stories of how we can’t win in Iraq, and an all nighter of repeat votes to hold the GOP’s feet to the fire. And if anybody declined to camp-out on the Senate floor for this ‘Desert Iraq FunFest,’ the Sergeant at Arms was to put the sleepy little guys and gals in a headlock and haul their butt back to work. You know, I don’t mind giving due respect to those with disabilities. But why do we keep electing jokers paralyzed from the neck up?

The House passed its own RUN YANKEE RUN Iraq troop withdrawal plan last week with the help of America’s first Muslim congressman, Rep. Keith Ellison (D-MN). In fact, Keith feels so at home with the Happy Hollywood Dems majority, he was confident enough to compare the president of the United States to Adolf Hitler and that 9/11 was our version of the Reichstag fire, an incident Hitler used to consolidate power in pre-WWII Germany. Well, why not say what all good jihadist think. After all, our little Muslim congressman is a beneficiary of Council on American Islamic Relations (CAIR), who’s co-founder Nihad Awad thinks “Islam isn’t in America to be equal to any other faith, but to become dominant (with the Qur’an) the highest authority in America.” Just goes to show ya, that a charming exterior and a ruthless interior always makes for a winning combination in politics.

Not everybody thinks getting some politician re-elected is a good reason to pull out of a very serious situation. Maj. Gen. Rick Lynch, commander of 15,000 American and about 7,000 Iraqi troops said such a withdrawal would allow “the enemy to come back.” Official U.S. military figures cite 45% of all foreign militants and suicide bombers are from Saudi Arabia; 15% are from Syria and Lebanon; and 10% are from North Africa. And don’t forget Turkey, chomping at the bit with 140,000 soldiers on Iraq’s northern border just waiting for the opportunity to take a big bite out of the rebel Kurdistan Workers Party hiding out there. But the rebuttals to Maj. Gen. Lynch’s assessment already have started. Suicidal jihadist and Happy Hollywood Dems do not think abandoning Iraq is just another example of the Too Stupid to Live Culture. Got it infidel?

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