And in Hollywood - Where reality is just another thing you fake

Lindsay Lohan, the coke snorting, speeding, two fisted drinking “I’m a celebrity” actress is going to do time for chasing down and scaring the hell out of her ex-assistant’s mother - with a spot of community service, a dash of drug treatment and one day in jail. While another Hollywood local, Nicole Richie, who faced da judge on her third arrest for DUI (and driving down the wrong side of a freeway) spent a whopping 82 minutes in the slammer. One thing about Hollywood. You get all the justice money can buy.

Wear your best floppy garden hat or a natty blazer and don’t forget that $2,300 check. But remember - stay OUT of the house. Those are a few of the rules for a Barack Obama political fund raiser Oprah Winfrey’s throwing at her $64 million Santa Barbara estate. Oooops! Forgot one. Don’t call it a fund raiser either. It’s a ‘celebration.’ It’s a ‘celebration’ huh Oprah. Sorta like a - presidential bridal shower?

Meanwhile a real bride ain’t amused. Seem’s Obama’s bridal shower guests can’t get any rooms at the nearby San Ysidro Ranch. It’s already booked for her wedding that weekend. Luckily the bride’s a lawyer (although ANY bride would rather bite off the head of a chicken then let somebody ruin her wedding) ain’t budging. Winfrey’s Harpo Inc. reps insist - they did NOT harangue the bride to move so everybody could be comfy while the ‘bland’ fleeced the ‘blind.’

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Inconvenient Quotes

“And on the seventh day God rested. That’s when he asked me to take over.”

Today’s pundit: Susan Cerce, quipster

People who know everything - never learn anything.

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News Fit to Quip Remember - no one is perfect - until they write their campaign literature of course

A peeping Tong? The USA ain’t the only country China likes to snoop on. Germany discovered in May that computers in their Chancellery, Foreign, Economics and Research ministries had been hacked into. Investigators say the scale and data swiped is such that only the Chinese government and the People’s Liberation Army would be interested. China says, hell no. Ain’t us. But it’s looking more and more like the secret to China’s recent success - is their gift of grab.

Ex-USSR state Georgia is accusing Russian President Putin of not only sending bombers over USA air space but them too. And they shot one down! Meanwhile the UK’s RAF fighter jets were scrambled last week to intercept a Russian bomber heading into their North Atlantic air space. See, that’s the trouble with would-be tyrants. First thing that goes - respect for a different country.

Speaking of tyrants. In Iraq, USA second in command Lt. Gen. Ray Odierno says Iraqi Shi’ite groups are loading up on Iranian goods. “It’s clear to me that over the past 30 to 60 days they have increased their support. They do it from providing weapons, ammunition — specifically mortars and explosively formed projectiles. They are providing monetary support to some groups and they are conducting training within Iran of Iraqi extremists to come back here and fight the United States.” Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad pooh-poohed General Odierno saying, ‘That’s no crime - that’s my jihad!’

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Report From Liliputian Land - Where it’s the ANNOYING who inherit the earth

In a case of fiddling while Rome burns - the Happy Hollywood Dems continue to focus on bringing down Bush. Gonzales is gone but who’s next on their hit list. Bush noted, “There’s been over 600 different hearings and yet they’re struggling with getting appropriations bills to my desk.” 600 in seven months? WOW! Lead Attack Dog Harry Reid, (D-NV) promises the investigations will continue and heads will roll! You know, I’d like to compliment Congress on their work. When do you think they’ll start?

Where’s the Border Fence Bush? Duncan Hunter (R-CA) really really wants to know why “approximately $800 million is currently available for the installation of border infrastructure (and) despite this funding, only 17.9 of the 854 miles of fencing called for in the Secure Fence Act have been completed as of Aug. 10, 2007.” You know Duncan, on this subject, Bush is almost a year away from being an exceptional leader. And next year - he’ll be two years away.

The UN has selected Iran to plan the UN Anti-racism Conference for 20 member-states - chaired by Libya. No doubt with those two rogue states involved they’ll beat the 2001 UN conference held in Durban, South Africa that called for the destruction of Israel. I guess the UN is like government bodies everywhere. You know, commit a crime - get a job.

And for all you Happy Hollywood Dems who want out of Iraq. Good NEWS! Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says he’ll take up the slack when we split and leave Iraq flat. Plus there’s a bonus - ‘we’re Nuclear Iran now!’ So don’t you worry Happy Hollywood Dems. We all know you’re for Truth, Honor - or whatever you think will get you re-elected.

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Sleaze-noid News With two sides to every story - Local and Network

This week Edward Klein’s bio on Katie Couric, “Katie: The Real Story,” hits the bookstores. It’s one messy body punch after another. Katie slept with her bosses to keep from being fired. Left her husband to die alone prompting cynical fellow NBC worker bees to bet just how long before she exploited Monahan’s death. “Some said 72 hours; others just 24 hours,” Klein writes. She was nasty to fellow talking heads, Matt Lauer and Ann Curry, driving Bryant Gumbel off the air. And that hard hitting interview with Bush the fates gave her. Where she zinged policy question after policy question at a surprised Bush. The policy questions were feed to her a ’la “Network” through her earpiece by producer Jeff Zucker. Poor Katie. Guess into every diva’s life - looking like a creep must come.

While a guest on “Fox News Sunday,” Chris Wallace slammed PBS’s Bill Moyers. “Mr. Moyers ought to do a little bit better research before he does another drive-by slander.” Seems Moyers pronounced on Karl Rove’s religious tendency without bothering to call the man. “That’s reporting 101, but it would have gotten in the way of a tasty story line about a non-believer flimflamming the Christian right. I guess, Bill, reporting is easier when you don’t worry about the facts.” Hey Chris, Moyers occasionally reports the truth. Like that true story how he personally got Elvis Presley to autographed his obit. Honest!

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The Chicken Little Report - The weather - brought to you by Bossy - and a good MOOO to you!

Now the Moose DONE IT! Evidently Norway’s Moose are farting up a storm. In fact, they eat and pass gases so much, “a motorist would have to drive 13,000 kilometers in a car to emit as much CO2 as a moose does in a year.” Food for thought. I do have one question for you guys though - are you from THIS planet?

HEAT OF THE MOMENT
Sizzling study concludes: Global warming ‘hot air’
‘You can spit, have same effect as doubling the carbon dioxide’

A major new scientific study concludes the impact of carbon dioxide emissions on worldwide temperatures is largely irrelevant, prompting one veteran meteorologist to quip, “You can go outside and spit and have the same effect as doubling carbon dioxide.”

That comment comes from Reid Bryson, founding chairman of the Department of Meteorology at the University of Wisconsin, who said the temperature of the earth is increasing, but that it’s got nothing to do with what man is doing.

“Of course it’s going up. It has gone up since the early 1800s, before the Industrial Revolution, because we’re coming out of the Little Ice Age, not because we’re putting more carbon dioxide into the air.”

“Anthropogenic (man-made) global warming bites the dust,” declared astronomer Ian Wilson after reviewing the newest study, now accepted for publication in the peer-reviewed Journal of Geophysical Research.

The project, called “Heat Capacity, Time Constant, and Sensitivity of Earth’s Climate System,” was authored by Brookhaven National lab scientist Stephen Schwartz.

“Effectively, this (new study) means that the global economy will spend trillions of dollars trying to avoid a warming of (about) 1.0 K by 2100 A.D.,” Wilson wrote in a note to the U.S. Senate Committee on Environment and Public Works Sunday.

Excerpted
WorldNetDaily.com
August 20, 2007

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And in Hollywood - Where reality is just another thing you fake

Going on fifty and shooting up? After a seven hour fast, Madonna pulled out a needle and injected herself with vitamins for ‘energy’ at the end of her NYC to London flight. Nutritionists say that’s a no no if health is an object. But it’s quite the rage with celebrities like Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears - which might explain a few things. Madonna, what about trying death? That’s Nature’s way of helping you stop eating.

Please, pretty please let me help your propaganda against the West - PLEASE! Or so says, an Iranian news agency reporting that Oliver Stone really really wants to help Iran’s image. Filmmaker Alireza Sajjadpur says, “Stone’s publicist referred to the bad image that the U.S. media has given to Islam and Islamic countries and said that the documentary could assist in countering such negative propaganda.” Honey, the only way you’ll be able to reverse Iran’s negatives is to get Iran’s president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to put a sock in it.

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Inconvenient Quotes

“And on the seventh day God rested. That’s when he asked me to take over.”

Today’s pundit: Frank Lloyd Wright (American architect - June 8, 1867 – April 9, 1959)

“Turn the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.”

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News Fit to Quip Remember - no one is perfect - until they write their campaign literature of course

Elvira Arellano, an illegal immigrant activist who camped out in a church so the USA would let her people go - is gone. She back in Mexico where she decamped from twice but left her USA born kid behind. Rev. Walter Coleman, the dude who made the publicity stunt all possible said, “She is ready to continue the struggle against the separation of families from the other side of the border.” Suggestion Elvira. Take your kid home and make your OWN country a decent place to live. Mexico needs patriots and we don’t need any more felons. We’ve already got our quota in Congress.

Seems things were a little flat on the economic trail in 2005. The McMansions crowd got richer - as usual. The lowest-paid, lowest-skilled Americans got trounced by the illegals depressing their income by 5-7.2%. And the rest of us are beginning to realize that just when we figured out how to make ends meet - somebody moved the ends.

Guess all the money Mattel et al saved by dumping USA manufacturing (regulated by USA consumer laws) for China cheap (regulated by greed) - is going to go to a good cause - lawyers. Attorney Jeffrey Killino is adding to his defective Chinese tire lawsuit with a killer toy lawsuit. He wants Mattel to pay for testing consumer kiddies who might have teethed on the junk’s lead painted surfaces. He says Mattel is too cheap. In fact, if Mattel reps had been at the Last Supper - Mattel’s Accounting Dept. would’ve tried to write it off.

One more from the Jolly Red Giant. Seems China’s wool and cotton clothing has 900 times the safe level of formaldehyde, a chemical used to preserve clothes and dead bodies. An investigation team for New Zealand station TV3’s Target team had children’s clothing tested. Target producer Simon Roy said, “Our results were shocking, ranging from 230 ppm to 18,000 ppm. This is almost unbelievable. Some of the clothes Target tested having a reading 900 times the level that actually causes harm.” A Chinese government spokesman said, “No FAIR! Your being too quick on the flaw!”

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Report From Liliputian Land - Where it’s the ANNOYING who inherit the earth

Bob Filner (D-CA) was on his way to visit the troops in Iraq and thought he’d get in the mood by slamming a United Airline employee in the “employees only” baggage area. He wanted his BAGS and he wanted them NOW! The roughed up employee pressed charges and Filner’s mouth piece said, “the story that has appeared in the press is factually incorrect - and the charges are ridiculous.” You know, Filner’s father predicted this. When he was a kid he kept warning little Bobby he’d come to no good end. And look what happened - he became a politician.

Twin sisters bilked the Pentagon out of $20.5 mil in fraudulent shipping costs for “priority” items: $998, 798 for two 19-cent washers, $455,009 for three $1.31 machine screws, and $293,451 to ship a 89-cent split washer - just to name a few. A purchasing agent noticed another 19-cent washer shipment for $969,000 and the whole deceit started to unravel. Now the surviving twin sister, Charlene Corley, has pleaded guilty to fraud and money laundering and will spend up to 20 years in prison with $750,000 in fines. She says she’s REAL SORRY she never put off until tomorrow - what she could put over today.

Leona Helmsley, the former reigning ‘Queen of Mean’ is dead at 87. Once the ruler of her husband’s $5 billion empire, Helmsely spent almost two years in the slammer for tax evasion. She was convicted after a former housekeeper who Leona routinely terrorized - testified she heard Leona say, “We don’t pay taxes. Only the little people pay taxes.” Leona met her third husband, Harry Helmsley, when she worked in his brokerage firm as a senior executive. Harry divorced his wife of 33 years to marry Leona after she told Harry she had a photographic memory. She never forgot a date. And that’s EXACTLY what Harry was afraid of.

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